The first post says it all Shalom, This is the home of the Pittsfield Jew. Sure its neat to read about Jews in Brooklyn who are very observant but how about a not so observant Jew who lives in the Mid West?

Friday, July 29, 2005

Friday July 30, 2005

It seems it is complain about the wives day. MB the other guy in trouble with DS and KO is complaing to Tom about his wife. Tom and I traded several stories again. I am out of dental floss and I keep forgetting to bring some in. Tonights chores include mow/trim/edge
work on the calendar for the HDS
Brush dogs
water plants
brush the pets teeth and gauze the dogs teeth
scoop the litter and sweep the basement
walk the dogs in the afternoon.

I went for a long walk with the dogs this morning.

Melissa has been asking me about @bovehealth problems with the program. Jill is her new boss and the two of them have been trying to get on the same page. The project is in production but they are still testing it. In the mean time I told them I have to get my design finished today for value options. And the program must be finished by August 15. I might have the options of pushing the due date out to August 24, since we will be on vacation.

S called me to tell me she has secured Z's birthday party. And then she went right on to another topic, do I know where to drop L off in Hickory Point to her friend Valerie's house so she can get to Camp Gan Israel. Next week is all the tests and stuff for Z.

He came into our bed in the middle of the night and I didn't even know he was there until I woke up. Then I layed real still until S said get up at 7:11.

Thursday July 27 2005


We lost at softball today. Too bad. I won't get to go to the tournament because I am going on vacation with my beloved on August 13. I was tired today. Put new collars on the dogs. I read Rabbi Biggs. I also read some blogs. Not sure I mentioned I finished Stormy Weather and started Lucky You. Almost up to page 600 of HP4. Rabbi Biggs has a more three weeks interpretation of this weeks parsha. I am up to chapter 18 of מלוחם ב. Z has been getting up earlier and earlier each day. On ebay I bought VHS boxes 25 for $20.

לילא טוב

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Bike Ride

I just went for a bike ride. I finished the book Stormy Weather. I helped L and M V again with their computer. I bought that bike carrier I wanted. We are getting nervous since Z's tests are coming up soon August 5. So far Z has missed four straight soccer nights in a row. Maybe next Wednesday he will play. I told my parents I want to go to my cousin A's wedding. My brother won't go. He is mad they won't go to his wedding. Today I read the first Aliyah. I went looking through another blue toy bin today. Just looking to see what's in there. LV hugged me because I told her to cancel AOL before they charge her for another month. I made a list of all the things that are lost.

Red flosser
remote control found it behind the end table
2 AA rechargeables
3 AAA rechargeables
basement slippers
mempis linux cd
freezer key found it in S's calendar
toy animals
pink guitar
metal toy magnetics
sunglasses bag
Harry Potter book mark found it on the couch
L's lovey (2)
L's pink wallet with $11 - L crossed this off said forget it it was a long time ago
L's toy poodle
tweety bird puzzle piece.

At work we had a morning IS apps staff meeting about making our riffraff code simonized. That is a word I made up in an afternoon value options design meeting. We sold halo X box, I found it at work just monday. Our code is on riffraff, we will have new standards on simon. So I invented the term simonized.
Just to show off how smart I am. I installed Hebrew onto my home pc just now. At work I made a key board template. Well I gotta go upload a slimswitch picture to ebay. Change Z out of his leotards. I disagree with president ed's blog. I want comments that say hi I was here. This is how I know I am being read.

Check out radi-yo.com.il I listen to their internet only radio from ilat or wherever. They have a chat room. As soon as you enter the DJ's say shalom to pittsfield etc.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Steam Cleaner

My neighbors L & M are borrowing my steam cleaner. So I am using their computer and drinking their beer. Ahh. Coors Light. And free associating. No need to call my parents, its past the 9 to 9:30 range anyway. My dad surprised me and called at work. We conducted our business and I told him I hadn't eaten lunch yet. He probably doesn't know what's going on at work my troubles. I had a dream I was beating up my brother and then he kept laughing. Ahh. We went to Greenfield Village over the weekend. Well my beer is gone. L the woman, asked me a bunch of email questions, DSL cable. As Tom would say I was being anti-social.

Friday, July 22, 2005

No time to post Thursday night

Last night was softball. The game was near that pool I went to a couple weeks back. R came with me. Then we went to Banfields to drink, Blaine, Bill and me and R. I am still at work, but all management is gone. After the bar, R and I went to Borders. I got commentary on the torah by Friedman. They don't have Living Torah by Kaplan but Amazon does. I stayed up late, finished the grades and read Harry Potter. I am up to page 300 of the VB book too. My parents sent me $75 for a bike rack for my birthday. We are having students visit us on Sunday so fasting is iffy. They are medical students from UM's special program for learning health in a family setting. Mostly because of Z. We are planning Greenfield Village this weekend. Again because of Z we got free tickets. He did catch ammonia (sp?) when we went to Florida on make a wish trip so we get free trips to places all the time. After the bar R said remind me never to go to a bar again. At work I was a hero, see below. AF my goodness said I was a stud and shook my hand. I won't wash that hand for a week.

Tom sensing my Israeli gaza strip pull-out tendancies sent me this email and link.

Subject: Good article on Israel, terrorism, etc.

From the National Review, of course. This guy is a very good writer.


Bill gave this account of the game.

Subject: Desperate Jack Rabbits
Desperate Jack Rabbits...definitely described the Jack Rabbit Slims last night. Before the game even started, there was high drama. Would we get to play? Or would we have to suffer the dreadful forfeit? Fortunately, we had two things going for us while we waited for Ed and Don: an opponent that wanted to play rather than win by forfeit and an umpire willing to wait ten minutes (and not to mention Jim Tropiano's constant cell phone contact with Ed so we knew he was going to be there in minutes. Thanks, Jim!) Still, even though Ed showed up, unfortunately, Don did not. He may have suffered a bit of the Adam Rowe-syndrome, but I know whatever it was, he probably feels worse about not showing up than we did. I know he'll be at the next game.

So, we ended up with eight guys: three in the outfield, three in the infield and the pitcher and catcher. Yikes! (Maybe we should take the forfeit?) This is going to be a long game. We were the home team and the first batter showed us what it was going to be like. I was playing short, but there was no third baseman and sure enough, he hit a grounder right to the third baseman. Two more hits and they had the bases loaded (thanks to their conservative running). Blaine walked the first batter in, although I have to say, the umpire was calling an awfully tight strike zone. This would be the first of their many runs, we thought. But the next batter hit it right to Blaine who threw home to Pittsfield Jew for the force. I think that play showed things might not be so bad, after all. The next batter hit it to the right of me and I had only one play, beat the runner to third. Still, they had their second run, but also their second out. They loaded the bases again, but their next batter flew out. Only two runs, that wasn't so bad.

But in our bottom of the first, we had three hits, but didn't score. Mike had tried to stretch a double into a triple on the first hit and was thrown out. That probably showed us we better be more conservative, although it took a perfect throw and tag.

Ed suggested we move John V. from second to third, because too many hitters can pull the ball. Blaine could drop back to second, if need be. That turned out to be a pretty good move, as one of their runners tried to go from first to third on a hit to center and was thrown out at third (The throw was perfect and John definitely tagged the runner before he touched third. Good call, ump!) They didn't score in the second. We scored two in the bottom of the second, including walks to me and Pittsfield Jew. So, we're tied after two. Maybe, just maybe, this wasn't going to be that bad. They scored only one in the third. Then in the fourth, I think they were getting a bit desperate themselves and abandoned trying to place it in the hole between first and short (where the second baseman is normally,) and tried to hit the ball hard, ending up with a 1-2-3 inning of deep fly balls to center (Mike) and left (Ed).

In the fifth and sixth, they went back to trying to place it in the second base hole, but could only score two runs in each inning. The key to holding them to two runs each time was the fact that our defense was flawless. There were no errors, and this is not because of generous scoring. Every play that one of our players should have made, was made. Pittsfield caught a foul ball. Jeff made a pretty good play in right. John fielded third flawlessly. Jim played a flawless first base, even scooping a hard thrown ball from Blaine out of the dirt to prevent the only potential error from occurring. Mike and Ed made good plays in center and left. Blaine made the plays at pitcher, even snagging a hard shot that normally gets past most pitchers. They also had too many pull hitters trying to hit to right, who just could not do it and would end up confusing themselves into easy fly balls or grounders.

Still, going into the bottom of the sixth, we were down 7 to 2. With eight guys, it was a satisfying score. Then Mike, Ed, Blaine, Jim and John each got hits, scoring three runs (Blaine knocking in two and John one) and leaving guys at second and third. I grounded out to the second baseman, knocking in the fourth run, then Jeff grounded out to short on a close play. So that left Jew up with two outs and us down 7-6. We all started thinking, just hold the other team in the top of the seventh and maybe we can get another shot. But wait, Pittsfield lines it over the head of the third baseman for a line drive single?!?!, a good clean base hit, even though they played a short rover just behind the shortstop! John scored the tying run. That opened the flood gates as their defense finally collapsed and our offense woke up. Mike, Ed, Blaine, Jim and John had hits (and their fielders sometimes bobbled the potential third out) for five more runs. As I got up, I could see the other team's confusion as they ran first towards right, then hearing someone say he hits to short left, they hurriedly put their rover just behind second on the shortstop side and deep fielders in left and left center, leaving a huge gap between left center and their right fielder. What an opportunity for a guy who already lined two singles to right center! But the umpire called time. Why? She said time again, so I stepped out. Then she said that the game was being called on account of time, as we had already played an hour and fifteen minutes, and since we, the home team were ahead, the game was over! We won 12-7 with eight guys!

Now, some of you might be thinking that we could have really killed this team if we had all ten fielders, especially since some of us were playing positions we hadn't played before (Jim at first, John at third, me at short-second combo), but we had our chance against these same guys and won only 14-8 in that game. I think that they tried so hard to hit to right to take advantage of the second base hole, plus thought that it would be easy to get a hit to the outfield with only three fielders, that they ended up getting themselves out. Had they been hitting normally, they might have had better success. Plus, our defense played flawless. Maybe that was because each of us knew that if we didn't make this play at this time, we were going to get killed with only eight fielders. Whatever, the fact is, we won and I feel it was one of the best wins I've been involved in. {By the way, John V, I'm glad the umpire missed the bolt of lightning you pointed out in the top of the sixth. A feel good win is much better than a feel good loss!}

Bill C.
Configuration Analyst, M-CARE

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Lots going on.

Up to page 400 in Harry Potter Goblet of Fire. Up to page 300 in Carl Haisen Stormy Weather. S is watching a show about fat people. It is raining. Yesterday S was complaining about the home owners rates going up. Today Z skipped soccer again. I went for a bike ride. South on Crane past Textile, East on Merrit North on Munger and West on Textile and back home. We had the Z family here. They are going to Maryland and then back to Israel. I finally got the nerve to ask C.K. about Israel politics. His wife is a feminist so we call her A.Z. C.K got to keep his last name. All the kids are E.P.K.Z. who is R's best friend. The Chabad matriach convinced AZ to go to mikvahs. AZ said to EG the matriach EG you are my rabbi. Any way AZ used to sing the Rosh Hashana parsha. And now they are gone.

So I expected most Israeli's to be be against the Gaza pull out. Not this guy. So now I know more about the topic than before. I was trying to explain it all to R on the way home today. I don't want alot of discussion about it. I switched from thinking Israel owns the land up to the Jordan river to land for peace. And I convinced R too. It is not a simple as the right wingers explain it and its not as complicated as the left wingers say it is.

Think of Israel as a rectangle long north to south and short east and west. Picture a Harry Potter like lightning bolt going north to south. It protrudes in then heads back east to the border (the Jordan river) then it goes back in a diagonal again to the southern border. The top triangle is the west bank. The bottom triangle is the gaza strip. The two pieces barely touch.

On to sleeping arrangements. Let me tell you about the adult goings on at M-CARE IS department. There is my boss DS skeletar, AF and CF are married now. Along time ago AF called AT was DS's girlfriend, both unmarried. CF and DS were good friends. AT was cheating on DS with CF. So in retaliation At gets married to a CK and becomes AK. DS gets married too. Then DS cheats on his wife with CF's wife. CF cheats with AK. AK gets divorced. CF gets divorced. DS gets divorced. DS marries CF's ex-wife. CF marries AK and she becomes AF. Now AF has gone from being flat since she has a child. Many say she looks like a boy. I would not go as far as saying why did these guys want little boy sex? Actually I used to think AF was attractive. Only until she opens her mouth. She loves sports as much as the guys and is mean, mean, mean. Anyway all this is amazing.

Back to Harry Potter. I am up to the part about the dance. It is like the spoiler I read on the internet earlier by mistake.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Tuesday July 19, 2005

Sleeping arrangements. On Friday of last week: HD and Z slept in our bed. I slept in the bottom bunk of Z and L's bed. L slept on the top bunk. S slept on the bottom bunk of R's bed. R slept on the top bunk. Saturday night R was crying. Even though she saw her friend E.Z. from Israel at the Chabad Shabbat lunch that day. R and HD slept in our bed. Z slept on the floor of his room, I slept in the bottom bunk. S slept alone in the bottom bunk in R's room. Sunday night we went back to the way it was Friday. Tonight E.Z and R are in the family room having a sleep over. Last night Z came into our bed. Then a few hours later L came into our bed. I got out and slept in the bottom bunk of Z and L's room.

Today Tom and I walked with the ladies again. I found it its called @bovehealth not Abovehealth. Had a meeting with E.S., B.N. and mutt. Mutt worked on the original value options project. It got all changed around today. So I could not finish my design. Its not due until 7-25 and the programming is due 8-15.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Catching Up

Today is my birthday. I got a new mountain bicycle for myself. The girls saw Madagascar. We had Red Robin takeout. S's father lets call him HD was here Fri-Mon. I saw the movie Storm and Sorrow over the weekend. Saw too much Law and Order. Tom can't give me the trailer for the bicycle. His wife is making him keep it. We went to Chabad Shabbat lunch. HD stayed home. This is because Camp Gan Israel is run by the Chabad of Ann Arbor. Sunday we played lazer tag with our Israeli family. They are coming over for dinner tomorrow. I listened to Balak chanting today. I will be giving away the Joe Torre movie. It is delisted now off of Amazon.

Spent most of the evening talking to my parents and brother. Also loaded ink into the printer. Checked all my UM email. My parents sent some pictures of their trip.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Thursday July 14, 2005

Last night I spent at least 30 more minutes reading bas torah and other assorted Jewish sex related blogs and blog topics. Now I am checking my messages to see if I got any comments. Since I set it up to email me when there is a comment. 3 emails, 2 from bec and 1 the sitemeter. Tells me the traffic report which I only glance at. Lets see what comments I got might change my mood. Traffic is going down. I must be getting boring. Ha ha or people are getting busy.

Ok bec it is your dog with the problem. I got confused. Sounds grosser than my story. You love gross stories though. Cheer up money bags - S's father is coming tomorrow. And R came home today. Going on 5 mintues now and I don't need my planner for writing ideas. I was no harry potter fan either. Book four is longer than 1-3 combined so its almost like starting over. And now I am being slowed down by Tom's book, stormy weather. Also tonight I started a movie. I just checked again for the title. Storm and sorrow. Its a rock climbing movie. What is a chavrusa. My other chumash is with my parents. I read the link on my blog, chabad parsha exclusively. Ethics of the fathers sounds chavuanistic to me. S made a brisket Kosher and I just put it in the basement. With all this running up and down the stairs you would think I would lose weight.

Broken toe and no bike good enough. I might be able to get this used bike from a coworker's wife. Yeah. I will try to walk with the ladies tomorrow. I plan to bring an extra shirt and shorts to change into so I can sweat in those clothes.

My meeting with DS and KO went well. Also they said a manager BN like working with me and they wrote that down. More good news Medicaid is paying for the kidney shield. I have been trying to get to bed before midnight. When HD is here I know I will. He falls asleep watching the 11 oclock news and you have to watch it with him. I will want to finish my movie.

Cheer up, my garden is doing awesome. Z came into our room before dawn and wanted me to watch TV with him. After 15 min I slept in R's bottom bunk, Z slept in my bed. I dreamt we fought about me getting enough sleep. I ran away. CS a parent from R's school was there. S ran after me. Z was having an operation in the dream and they needed me to just be there. I was sleeping at a place similar to the Mikvah described in bec's blog. It was an apartment complex workout place. Some workmen said married life is tough. I been married 4 years. I said I been married 13. Bec when your tired and have glasses on instead of contacts workmen looks the Grateful Dead album workingman's dead. Ha ha.

You know your tired when you dream about sleeping.

Don't sweat the small stuff and its all small stuff, says cherish the high and wait out the lows. And be humble in the highs and don't do anything rash in the lows.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Wednesday July 13, 2005

I am in a reasonably good mood. Sitting here drinking a blue moon. The good mood won't last I know I'll be down in the dumps in depression soon. Maybe a little paronoid. I tried to reach Matt, and left a voice mail. He left a voice mail before that to me. My parents are tucked away in the middle of week 2 of their vacation. My Aunt S is probably expecting to hear from me over the weekend. Tomorrow is my Thursday inquisition as I am calling it. I meet with lapdog and skeletar at 10AM. We go over the projects and then my 6 out of 14 deficiencies in the qualities of a programmer analyst 2. Today the design review didn't go well. For levity I am reminded of an old suicide note trivia from Carnegie Mellon. It is called archetic's leap.

When your feeling like a jerk
because your design just won't work
go ahead and take the leap
and then you'll finally get some sleep
There is a rectangle shaped open stairwell in Wean Hall at Carnegie Mellon about 8 floors. Most people take the elevators. The poem is written on the walls as you go down the flights. On the bottom is a chalkline body. On the wall are statistics, as in: scream, splatter, accuracy. Spent way too much time describing this.
My dog Lucy is sick. Today Tom was out. S is complaining she can't get anything done, the vet is too slow, heat too hot, D.G. a lady we known is unhelpful and the insurance company denied the kidney shield. I started ch 11 of VB. This Carl Hiasen book is funny. Z skipped soccer today again second week. R comes home tomorrow. S wants me to steam clean the rugs because the dog keeps peeing. Today my neck was hurting. Now my hand hurts, carpal tunnel. My broken toe hurts too.
For lunch I went to steak and shake. First I spent 30 minutes looking on line to see if A&W hot dogs have pork. Then I went anyway I have a coupon. They were closed. I passed two pizza huts on the way to steak and shake. I have a pizza hut coupon too. Then passed a third pizza hut on the way back to M-CARE. For dinner I had a roast beef sandwhich.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Harry Potter

Wow, I've gone Harry Potter crazy tonight. I am going to start answering some comments now. Bec is my main person so most of the comments go to her. Survivor wrote a comment too.

Survivor - yes it is weird to write your whole life in a nutshell. It is not that weird and age does not matter. I wrote several notebooks full before I was 17. Also this is my life story the sanitized version. Like a Chinese waiter says to you when your order is slow, so you have a brother? Or you meet new coworkers and they say have you always lived in Ann Arbor?

I could expound apon any subject in minute detail. This is what a good writer does. I am not a good writer. I was trying to get Z to bed and was watching Harry Potter DVD 1 special features. I like to torture him with special features. Earlier in the day a Harry Potter related thought popped into my head. How is Hermione a witch and Harry a wizzard. I researched this in book 1 while I was tucking Z in. Then online. I read a few plot spoilers only a few. So a muggle is a non-witch. A muggle-born is a rare person whose parents are muggles and they are a witch, like Hermione. Only the good news is her parent are supportive of her new path in life.

Harry's parents are Lilly and she is muggle-born too. His dad is pure wizard. So Harry is half-blood. Unlike Jews where the descendancy is from the mother. I guess you could say she converted. Enough Harry Potter. This shows my point I can talk about one topic for a while. Also Tom gave me Harry Potter DVD 1 today and a book to read by Carl Hiasen. Coincidentally it is the same guy who wrote Strip Tease. I have to give the book back, the DVD is a gift. I bought DVD 2 because I saw video 1 on vacation in Florida. But I got to see the special features tonight most of them. And they had a Hebrew section. Very good. It says Evrit in Hebrew letters. There is the scene where Hagrid, Hermione, Ron and Harry are talking in the field. Hermione says Cane or Low. Everthing else in the 3 minute scence was above my knowledge. Actual actors speaking actual Hebrew. My writing is not good I swear it, I use I too much.

Last night I studied Hebrew pa'al again. Also read 2 1/2 sevenths of Balak. Great Parsha. The prayer Ma Tovoo is based on this parsha. Bec I have two copies of the Stone Edition. Every Conservative Jew gets one at their Bar/Bat Mitzvah. I have S's copy mine is still in the Library in VA of my parents house somewhere. Forgot my planner today. Forgot my watch too. Reading from my planner from memory. Trying to write less in there, its getting to be like a blog.

S is watching TV and I am supposed to be doing school work. Its been twenty minutes and I have hit the highlights. Also I am half a sip away from finished with my Blue Moon. This is gonna be a great six pack. I had the first one last night.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Monday July 11, 2005 @ 5:12 PM

First notes from my daily planner:

No K.O. today. Calf hurts. 147 @ 7:30AM. Kids were up keeping us up. Wearing new levis from trip to Chicago size 32 w 30 l. Gas prices went back down 20 cents to $2.29. S called to tell me to buy gas. Karen is programming 14102 and will invite me to the code review. Still on target for Friday. Hope this keeps D.S. happy. He said on Friday I'll prime the pump. There is only so many times you can prime it before you flush it. Tom want to go to bike yard sale today. I said I would go only to hang out. S says I have to buy a $500 bike shop bike that D.P. picks out. Melissa asked questions about Abovehealth turnover. Fixing trees $500. Got new tiers for my car last Friday July 1, $500. Saw a cool bike Huffy green at the bike garage sale. Tom discovered my blog. I told him to read bastorah. Finished chapter 9 of VB book. Started ch 10 - jet engine fine tuning.

Eating dinner now. Not in a hurry to get to class. No one wants to learn. Spent alot of time reading margarittevillegirl and bastorah. Will get back to my favorite bec's world. I was looking for the post about matchmaking and jews only knowing their spouse for 6 hours. Can't remember where I saw it. I wanted to show my buddy Tom. Who is now officially according to my wife a bad influence. He probably reads my blog now. So hi Tom.

Finishing up my roasted vegetables from Hiller's.

Today's chore list.

wcc @ 6PM
walk dogs PM
abovehealth follow up - Melissa signed
14102 - Karen still working on design
14393 - gave turnover to Erica
14345 - found a bug in it.
handweights- tonight if I remember
situps - tonight
shower - tonight
shave - my shave in the shower mirror rocks
brush dogs - try to remember
Go to bed before midnight
Help S make R's bed.

Wrote walk dogs twice. Hate when I write something twice.

Almost done with food. MB is BSing with PO here at work. They are talking about willy wonka. bat man.

i am outta here.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Lost blog

I just wrote a blog and lost it. Had to close it because S came along. I will recreate it from memory. Today i mowed the lawn. Also went to the pool. Talked to my parents on the way back from the pool. Bought Harry Potter number 2 on DVD today.

There were so many hot women at the pool it was hard to watch my kids. This pool is near Tom's house, so I will have to tell him about it. L bought cheese its for $1 on the way out. It costs $4 for me to get in. It costs $3.5 for L. Z was free. Z fell asleep for ten minutes on the way home. He pished at the pool but had an accident at home which he denied. S got mad because we were gone for 1.5 hours instead of 1 hour. Had our usual flank steak on the grill.

I also weeded the garden a little bit. It was hot today. A great pool day. Those cheese its we could get a huge box for like 2 or 3 bucks and bring them. I guess its the thrill of getting food from a snack machine. S says my typing is keeping her awake.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Long Tom cont

Wow that was work. Gotta go help S watch TV. Trick was paste into Word and double space, then it appears single spaced here. Don't mess with us computer programmers.

From M G
To: Tom ; Pittsfield Jew

Subject: RE: From the Alafair Burke Web Site
Sent: 7/8/2005 1:07 PM
Importance: Normal
This is hysterical. You should start a website detailing the adventures of Tom Manly, Pittsfield Jew and the all powerful SUPER COUPON BOOK of wonder.


-----Original Message-----
From: Tom
Sent: Friday, July 08, 2005 1:01 PM
To: M G
Subject: FW: From the Alafair Burke Web Site

-----Original Message-----
From: Tom
Sent: Friday, July 08, 2005 12:55 PM
To: 'Alafair Burke'
Subject: RE: From the Alafair Burke Web Site


I sense you have detected that I have an ulterior motive. That's very, very perceptive of you. You see, I'm trying to influence you into writing a new series of thrillers, and, of course, I'm here to help out. That's me: I'm a helper. I figure it's a win-win situation for both of us, so here's what I have so far:

Open with Rusty, the arch-villian. Rusty happens to be a terrier, and cute as all get-out, but just suspend any species-ism you may have for a moment and you'll be so totally hooked. Rusty is very naughty indeed. My brother in-law would even say Rusty is evil, but my brother in-law is an ass. Rusty terrorizes the world by pissing and shitting just about anywhere. He also barks. Don't laugh: he really barks like really loud. He has to be kept in a segregation unit in the basement, away from anything absorbent and near the floor drain. I know you're thinking this is just such a total rip-off of the whole Hannibal Lecter thing. It's unfortunate, but I figure since you're a real writer AND a lawyer you'll figure out a slick way of smoothing this thing over.

Okay... wait for it...

Rusty has escaped!!! On a routine trip to the exercise yard he slyly notices that someone (could it be his henchman Evan???) has left the gate open! When the guards aren't looking Rusty bolts to freedom! The normally bucolic neighborhood is suddenly thrust into fear and chaos!

Time for the hero to make his appearance.

Tom Manly is a super-smart investigator. He lives in a cubicle and solves crimes through unpredictable smart-ass verbal exploits! His Jewish sidekick Pittsfield Jew keeps him out of trouble by knowing like everything about E-Bay. Pittsfield Jew also carries a giant super-coupon-book that has gotten them out of a lot of scrapes!

Tom and Pittsfield Jew arrive at the crime scene and close the damn gate. Then they make a plan to question the neighbors. A lot of these neighbors a kind of older and a bit cranky, so Tom and Pittsfield Jew prepare themselves for the ordeal by splitting a 12-pack of Molson Ice. This builds a near-unbreachable wall around their emotions and makes them way talkative.

They talk with a few people, actually freaking them out a little bit. The citizens are already very jittery with Rusty on the loose, and they don't realize that Tom and Pittsfield Jew are just trying to help!

Just when things can't get any blacker, another crisis erupts with a savagery that will nail readers to their barca-loungers: Tom and Pittsfield Jew are getting like really hungry!!! And they don't have a lot of cash! And their wives are on the purse strings like truck drivers on gravy!

This next part may be a little strong for most people. The book will definitely have a warning label prohibiting weak-constitutioned people from reading. You see, OUT COMES Pittsfield Jew'S SUPER-COUPON-BOOK. Did you see how I foreshadowed that way back in chapter 2? Do I have it going on or what?

Pittsfield Jew has a coupon for Steak and Shake, and they're only like 6 miles from Steak and Shake! This mind-blowing plot twist will propel the novel to it's heart-pounding conclusion!

Alright, that's all I have right now...



-----Original Message-----
From: Alafair Burke
Sent: Friday, July 08, 2005 10:46 AM
To: tom
Subject: RE: From the Alafair Burke Web Site

Dad's cool, but not cool as I am :-)

Thanks, really, for the invitation, but I'm afraid it can't happen this
year. I never know what's harder work - the three weeks on the road, or the
two weeks leading up to them. Bills to pay, books to write, yada yada yada.
So...no more travels for me this summer. Thanks again, though. Your
family sounds just wonderful. I love the idea of a wife who would find a
way to kill repeatedly!


>From: Tom
>To: 'Alafair Burke'
>Subject: RE: From the Alafair Burke Web Site
>Date: Fri, 8 Jul 2005 09:50:42 -0400
>Aww, you should at least come for the Art Fair. You'd be right down the
>street from the law school so you could browbeat, errr wow them into hiring
>you. Their gain.
>You could even stay with us. I mean it. Surely you get hit on by loads of
>guys, but you'd be totally safe at our place. My wife's just the sweetest
>little thing, but if I were even considering contemplating thinking about
>viewing you as even slightly attractive, she would kill me. Then she would
>have me revived and kill me again. And that would just be for starters. She
>only weighs about a hundred or so pounds, but how much does a badger weigh?
>I wouldn't cross a badger either.
>Our boys are real nice. The 14-year-old is a wrestling champ, but you
>woudn't see him because of the damn computer game. The 5-year-old is a real
>pistol -- just don't get him started talking about robots, or that'd be you
>entire visit! :-)
>Oh, bring your dad! he seems cool as hell.
>-----Original Message-----
>From: Alafair Burke
>Sent: Thursday, July 07, 2005 5:18 PM
>To: tom
>Subject: RE: From the Alafair Burke Web Site
>What I really need to do is trick (I mean, convince) the U of Mich law
>school into hiring me so I can be in Ann Arbor all year round.
>And the W reference has forever ruined my pilot fantasies.
>Thanks for wanting me to go to Ann Arbor, though. I mean it.
> >From: Tom
> >To: 'Alafair Burke'
> >Subject: RE: From the Alafair Burke Web Site
> >Date: Thu, 7 Jul 2005 17:11:21 -0400
> >
> >Two more words: Art Fair. Or try these out: July 20-23. It's 198.30 miles
> >North of Dayton and it rocks.
> >
> >I'm not sure I'm tracking here -- you're diggin' the flight suit thing?
> >could have some brought in, if that's what it takes...
> >
> >I will bug the STORE owners about this. There are a whole lot of them, so
> >it
> >could take quite a while to coerce, I mean influence, all of them. I'm on
> >it.
> >
> >Remember: George W. was a pilot. Enough said.
> >
> >:-)
> >
> >-----Original Message-----
> >From: Alafair Burke
> >Sent: Thursday, July 07, 2005 5:01 PM
> >To: tom
> >Subject: RE: From the Alafair Burke Web Site
> >
> >
> >Two words, man. Pi-lots.
> >
> >Seriously, I don't know what the deal is. I go where they send me, and I
> >think they send me to the STORES whose owners ask them. So tell a store
> >near you, please - I'd much rather be in Ann Arbor in the summer
> >than...towns that shall remain nameless.
> >
> >xoA
> > >From:
> > >Reply-To: tom
> > >To:
> > >Subject: From the Alafair Burke Web Site
> > >Date: 07 Jul 2005 16:47:21 -0400
> > >
> >
> >***************************************************************************
> >****
> > >Name: Tom
> > >Email: tom
> > >Date: 07 Jul 2005
> > >Time: 16:47:16
> > >
> > >Comments:
> > >
> > >Hi Alafair,
> > >
> > >I sent this to the info address, but wasn't sure you'd get it. It's of
> > >CRUCIAL importance, so I'm including it here. TD.
> > >
> > >==================================
> > >
> > >Alafair,
> > >
> > >I don't know why you're going to Dayton. People there do NOT read, at
> >all.
> > >There are no bookstores or libraries anywhere nearby. People in Dayton
> >just
> >
> > >hang out at the Air Force museum (which is actually kind of cool) all
> >day,
> > >except on Soapbox Derby day. The food there is horrible because nobody
> >has
> > >a cookbook. Even if they did, no one could read it anyway. They
> > >authors to be witches and they smell funny.
> > >
> > >Now ANN ARBOR, on the other hand, is the reading capital of the entire
> > >world. There is a bookstore or library on every corner, and they're so
> >busy
> >
> > >you have to make a reservation. Amazon.com had to build a mammoth
> >warehouse
> >
> > >here so they could keep up will all the book sales. Authors are treated
> > >like gods and get all kinds of cool free stuff. Kids learn to read at
> >about
> >
> > >6 months of age and get a whole raft of hardcover thrillers every
> >birthday
> > >and holiday. Nearly everyone who is cool lives here.
> > >
> > >Please change your tour schedule to replace Dayton with Ann Arbor.
> >Believe
> > >me, Dayton won't even know.
> > >
> > >Sincerely,
> > >
> > >Tom in Ann Arbor.
> > >
> > >
> >
> >_________________________________________________________________
> >Express yourself instantly with MSN Messenger! Download today - it's
> >http://messenger.msn.click-url.com/go/onm00200471ave/direct/01/
> >Legal Notice
> > Electronic Mail is not secure, may not be read every day, and should
> >not be used for urgent or sensitive issues.
> > The material in this transmission may contain confidential
> >information intended for the addressee.
> > If you are not the addressee, any disclosure or use of this
> >information by you is strictly prohibited.
> > If you have received this transmission in error, please delete it
> >and destroy all copies
>Is your PC infected? Get a FREE online computer virus scan from McAfee®
>Security. http://clinic.mcafee.com/clinic/ibuy/campaign.asp?cid=3963
>Legal Notice
> Electronic Mail is not secure, may not be read every day, and should
>not be used for urgent or sensitive issues.
> The material in this transmission may contain confidential
>information intended for the addressee.
> If you are not the addressee, any disclosure or use of this
>information by you is strictly prohibited.
> If you have received this transmission in error, please delete it
>and destroy all copies

Express yourself instantly with MSN Messenger! Download today - it's FREE!

Tom cont

Another one sent to Drew and Mike...

-----Original Message-----
From: Tom
Sent: Monday, June 27, 2005 4:01 PM
To: 'drewmike@wrif.com'
Subject: War -- wasted on the young

Drew and Mike,

I turn 45 this week, so the following letter is a bit premature. But I don't want to forget this when my memory starts to crap out, so I'll just postdate it for my 75th in the hopes that they'll keep it on file until then.

June 29, 2035

To: The Secretary of Defense The Pentagon Washington, DC

Dear Secretary,

I have become aware that the age limit for military service is 37 years old. What in the Sam Hill were you guys thinking? I can shoot twice as straight as those fetuses you have running around down there, and since my tallywhacker quit, I won't need any time off to chase after any poontang, either.

I am the ideal candidate for service, since I don't really want to live much longer anyway. I don't want to wait around until I get Alzheimer's and drive everybody nuts asking the same question every 5 seconds. I'm not looking forward to Parkinson's either, but I hear some dames really like the 'human vibrator' thing. Did I mention my tallywhacker problem?

Anyway, I don't get around real good nowdays, but just set me in a window or in a lawn chair and I'll drill those bad guys and how. And I'm real grumpy, so they won't have to screw up twice. No siree Bob. Even if I just get a couple of them before I get blown up or just forget what I'm doing, I figure we'll still be ahead.

Looking forward to my marching orders,

Tom Ann Arbor, MI

Long Tom post (ignore if you like)

This is a long post about my coworker Tom. Please ignore it if you want to it is really, really long. Actually these are just emails he sent me. With my name replaced with Pittsfield Jew. He has contributed unknowingly to this blog.

1) alldumb.com link for a video about owner of a lonely hearts.
2) alldumb.com link for a video about satan dog.

Do search on their site for owner of a lonely heart. Do a search for satan dog on their site. These are the links he had sent me. The links didn't work as i mentioned in earlier posts.

3) he sent two letters to WRIF a radio station. More on them later. Here are the two letters.
5) he sent many letters to an author and created a story about me. I have replaced my name with Pittsfield Jew in 3-5.

Sent this to Drew and Mike...
-----Original Message-----
From: Tom
Sent: Monday, June 27, 2005 3:14 PM
To: 'drewmike@wrif.com'
Subject: Re: Tom Cruise

Hey Guys,

Time to face facts: considering Tom Cruise as an authority on mental illness is like calling Michael Jackson the foremost expert on child care. Good thing he's rich -- he's WAY too wierd to hold down a regular job.

Gotta hand it to him though -- he researched psychiatry to the extent that he's more educated on the subject than the entire professional community AND Matt Lauer! I mean, Tom's a busy guy. He's out busting his hump pretending to be people far more interesting than he is ('acting'), AS WELL AS brainwashing a chick about half his age. That wouldn't leave most people enough time to garner the equivalent of an MD and a PhD, now would it? You know what freaks me out though? All that knowlege, and the end result is the SAME EXACT SAME thing he could have just parroted from an L. Ron Hubbard book! Creepy!

Tom in Ann Arbor

July 9, 2005

Not a very creative title.

From my planner, on Thursday

Listened to Shlach on Wednesday. Was up til 1AM Wed night. Hard to get Z to bed. Took a nap 10 min before work. Got a new project Wed. Almost finished designing it. Tried to change a light bulbb Wed and the whole fixture needs to be replaced. Went to Flim Flam with Tom to hangout. It is a breakfast place. Like Denny's, Holiday Inn or a diner combined. Listened to Korach. Had weeklu meeting with K.O. and D.S. Got another project, value options 14089. They are a mental health company. I work for a health insurance company and we get data from them on claims they paid on our behalf. Finished design document and sent it as a hyperlink to K.O. He balked because i sent the last design document as a location and not as an attachment. Attachments are ra (evil). Requested due dates for 9934 - task 44 be extended since Abovehealth delayed me by a day. Request was granted. Project 14432 task 2 is in production aka MEPC5503, Terry's turnover I tech reviewed. 147 pounds at 7AM.

From my planner on Friday.

148 pounds and someone brought in doughnuts. Emailed Matt. D.P. was painting and doing border paper until after 12. Up til 1:30 AM Thursday. Didn't do any school work. Lost in Softball 15-8. I scored a run. Sold playstation. Katie doesn't know where turnover 14345 is. Melissa is working on checking Abovehealth. D.S. gave me Karen's design document to review. Jim told me to print out old value options code. I will call him Mutt from now on since that's his nickname. K.O.'s nick is cootie Tom and I have other names for him. I call him dopey and he calls him lap dog. He calls D.S. skelator. More complaints about D.S. later especially his potty mouth. S called me on my cell phone complaing about again Z's kidney shield health insurance appeal. To get it paid to be covered. M-CARE won't cover it and that's the company i work for. Listened to Chukat. Finished Abovehealth turnover despite minor problems.

My cousin got engaged to be married. He is very religious and therefore the wedding will be around September 18. He is 34 and I am 36. His younger brother around 32 the Rabbi (who has a blog) got married 3 years ago. So far they have only one kid. And they are very religious. The older brother is a doctor. Neither one is a real doctor or real rabbi per my mother. Very well since their dad, my dad's brother is a vet (not really), more like a phd vet. I talked to my Aunt in Florida (my dad's sister, the other sister died this year) and my brother. Didn't get in a real conversation with my parents. I told them about my cousin gettting engaged. My cousin won't come to my brother's wedding. Neither of the brother's will. Of course my brother is getting married in May on a Saturday to a goy by a reform rabbi.

S is watching Law and Order and eating pop corn. I will make another post. It is all about Tom.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Wednesday night

By this point in the night i am too tired to care what i write. Also i had my one beer already. I listened to the chanting of the Torah again today. I am about a parsha or two behind though. Didn't write much down tonight. Tried to call my brother so i left him a message. After reading the comments on my blog and i gotta say you readers are so sweet. Some people emailed me directly so not everyone can know what i am talking about. There is a guy at work lets just call him B.J. he found problems in Karen's design document 14102. Later I called 1-800-cleanup.

What is the latest with the supreme court. I think a woman has the right to do what she wants with her body and therefore abortion should be legal.

Up late again

Its after midnight and i am tired so if i can just read from my notes.

Dogs scared last night of fireworks. L came into our bed and then we kicked her out. Z came into our bed. Starting chapter 9 of Optimizing Visual Basic 4, the name of the chapter is improving SQL performance. Saw an old coworker from 12 years ago. Restaurant called Cady's. Bill Clinton ate there. Had mousaka vegetarian. S returned extra parts to home depot and bought paste, paper and mirrors. 2nd call so far and she was complaining there is no time to get anything done. Went to EPA, no one there. This is for the old coworker. Sold playstationDark Cloud. Listened to chanting Beha'aolotecha. Saw a skunk in the parking lot. Finished abovehealth turnover. Reading Day 11 of teach yourself PL SQL in 21 days. This chapter is about triggers. Saw alldumb.com satan dog video Tom told me about.

Monday, July 04, 2005

July 4th

It is raining here. S is watching TV. She mopped the floor and is now waiting for it to dry. Caught up on all my school work. Today we had our Japanese family friends over. We had chicken. Yesterday we had our friends from Israel here. D.P. cut my hair and Z's hair today. He also finished painting R's room. Showed D.P. the Hebrew program and we had a discussion about the drash Torah for last week. He has custody of his kids except in the summer and every other weekend. So he was in schuel and told me what the Rabbi said about the spies. We honor the spies because in their hearts 10 men felt something needed to be done, right or wrong they altered the course of history and therefore that is why we have a minyan. Pretty neat i thought. This week was Korach which i always think is a neat story as well. Mostly we learn the lesson of the staff of Aaron's that bloomed. All the other miracles are nice too but this one was the most important. Our friends just left and the house was a wreck. I did my part to clean up and S did her part to shout. On to other topics. I finished the movie Exodus. Great movie. It has Paul Newman in it. I also finished Two Towers. Not so great. I like the monsters but the plot was really not there. Perhaps Return of the King will be better. Talked to my parents on Sunday. They were seeing llamas in a camp ground in Santa Barbara. Also talked to my Aunt who is back from her trip on a cruise to Alaska. Our friends brought over woodchuck cider. So i had two of those. I bet i gained a ton of weight this weekend. Probably in a few minutes S will come up here and watch the fire works on TV.
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